Riona O Connor - The Unnatural Woman

Actor. Singer. Mother. Songwriter. Vlogger. Blogger. Eater. Pop over to www.the-motherload.co.uk to view more blogs by Riona.

Wednesday 3 June 2015

6 Weeks To Go - Plumbing & Porn




34 Weeks Pregnant

Baby Size : Large Melon

How I Feel : PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!



Dignity. Ah, you were lovely while you lasted. You are but a distant memory. A longed for, dreamed of fantasy. I don’t walk anymore, I waddle. I don’t sit anymore, I straddle. I don’t sigh at slow people on the tube anymore, I’M ONE OF THEM. I’m a slow commuter. The worst fate that can befall a seasoned Londoner. Oh the awful, all penetrating shame. I’m also surprise farting and weeing myself. The farts are like evil kids entertainers who jump out at you yelling ‘surprise’! You NEVER see them coming. I can't be sure whether to laugh politely or vocally demonstrate my horror and demand an apology. Since when is my arse so out of my control? Well my internal arse anyway, the outer one won that BIG battle long ago! Pissed myself in front of my husband the other day too. It was a first for us - other than that drunken time in Greece when I found a bug the length of my arm on my stomach.  I think we’ll survive it and carry on but the sexy mysterious wife thing I’ve been cultivating is going down the swanee (or my leg) pretty fast! 




I’ve discovered a new nemesis this week : tights. Now I’m a huge fan, but I’ve always been highly disapproving of the method in which they are applied. Having a watermelon where your stomach should be makes bending down a thing of the past. (If you want to experiment, try wiping your arse with a football in the way) In my mind, this feat of reaching toe-ward, tights stretched between trembling fingers towards my reluctant toes, equates to Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger, sweating, muscles bulging to demonstrate the huge effort, suspended over a crevice stretching his tired arms towards his friend, whose harness has broken. He is reaching, reaching, hoping, praying…. only to fail to make the connection with her hand and she falls to a terrifying death. Yes. I’m standing by that analogy. It is that hard getting your toes into tights! Once the toe tight connection has been made, you then have to manoeuvre them over your heel and drag them like a dog to the vet up your shaking legs. Willing them higher and higher up your thigh like you might Jamie Dornan's tongue on a hot day. Honestly, screw pregnancy yoga for pulling mad shapes, just put some bloody tights on.




So I didn't write a ‘7 weeks to go’ blog. It’s been busy fortnight and month 8 of pregnancy has hit me like a freight train. Since my last installment, we’ve got the keys to our new house (I adore it) and moved in, bought a car and had my first solo drive, and I’ve removed a house spider for the first time in my whole life. We all know what the biggest achievement of those three is for a serious arachnophobe. I cannot wait to get in the garden with a huge glass of fake champagne and celebrate all those things! Today is the first day in weeks where (other than work which is still 6 days a week) I have nothing in my diary to do. Where am I? In bed, cup of tea in hand with bowl of porridge AND bowl of cocopops devoured. Baby is still breech with his head firmly up under my right ribs. This makes it next to impossible to sit, breathe, lie down or do anything comfortably. I am currently the human boomerang sitting in a crazy position trying to give baby’s head some space!




One of my great reservations about having a baby is that I’ll have to spend a lot of time around kids. If I’m honest I’m not a big fan en masse, they terrify me. I like my friends kids, mainly because they come in ones or twos and remind me of my friends, and of course I like them, they’re my friends! I just don’t know what to do with children, I’ve never been around them. I can’t do the cooey thing, can I not just speak to them like I do adults? As in, awkwardly at first until I get to know them? No? Do kids even do small talk? I don’t even find the children on Britain's Got Talent cute. I find singing, dancing children highly annoying in fact. Unless they’re getting it wrong - then it’s very cute and brilliant. I feel like Scrooge McDuck crossed with Samantha Jones. Am I alone?


On another note, pregnancy porn is a thing apparently. This comes from a friend whose sources I have not questioned! How do these women make it sexy at this stage? Ya I can get into a boomerang shape but I can’t wipe my arse properly or guarantee nothing will come out of that area when it’s not supposed to. That would surely be a hindrance to filming! Maybe they just do it all doggy style or maybe they start squirting milk or something? Or would that be more mommy porn? How do they sort the insurance? When I filmed an advert a few weeks ago they had a medic and a back up pregnant woman just in case I went into labour! Is the porn business the same? It sounds like a complicated shoot. Especially if they start using gadgets and dildos. Jesus the insurance premiums must be sky high! Anyway, we’re swiftly becoming poor buying stuff for the new house and the trillion baby items we need (I have a list to get for me, baby, and my boobs - they are a separate entity in this baby feeding thing) so I guess I have six weeks left to capitalise on this pregnancy porn stuff if I get desperate. Maybe some people are into the not being able to bend, farting, peeing thing????

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