Baby Size : A bunch of swiss chard
How I Feel : Really really normal but with swollen bits.
My neighbour, who I’ve never met before is going to see my vagina tonight. She’s a beauty therapist and I’ve decided the time has come to ‘trim the hedges’ for birth as it were. Her studio is ACROSS THE ROAD, who knew it would be more convenient now I've moved to the country? I’m full term now (anything between 37 and 42 weeks is full term apparently) and baby could arrive at any moment. As my moms three babies were early I’m trying to be prepared! I know the midwives and doctors have seen it all and won’t particularly care about the state of my hair care but I don’t want to go in looking like I’ve sacked the gardener. Just because I haven’t seen the garden in a while doesn’t mean I should neglect it right? It’s the only time intense open eyed scrutiny will be given to that area so I don’t want the brambles distracting anyone’s attention. To be honest though, this could all be in vain. I’m half convinced it’ll be a c-section. I can feel baby’s head under my right ribs, his arse under my left ribs and when he kicks, my vagina gets a thrashing from the inside!!! Ahem, lets just leave that there. I’m doing the exercises and tricks to move him but it ain’t happening yet. I’ve stopped thinking about a natural birth, which worries me as he could move at any time and my brain has conveniently disregarded it as an option. My vagina and perineum might be getting off the hook, but my abdomen isn’t! Some bit of me is going to suffer, it just remains to be seen which bit…
I finished work this week. All my limbs have been removed and I’m flailing around on the floor like a Saw movie. I finished on my birthday of all days - I’m sure my colleagues were glad to see the back of me after they had to do the cards, the presents, the mopping of tears, the cakes, the drinks, the hugs, the best wishes etc all on the same day. They did it valiantly and amazingly however and it’ll take me a long while to wean myself off these wonderful people. They’ve championed every decision I’ve made over the last two years so I’m ripping that plaster off slowly, still pestering some lucky few with all the details of my now non action packed days!
Today I’m at home, ALL DAY, by myself. I’m busy with hospital forms and birth preference documents, not to mention the huge task of putting away the ASDA delivery and sending voice memo’s to friends on Whats App, but really, how do I adjust to this not working thing? It’s like being made redundant, but it’s my choice, my decision. I know there’ll be a bit of money coming in for a while, then it disappears. But instead of frantically looking for another job, I’ll have a full time unpaid job. Oooooo! Maybe being a stay at home mom is more like being an actor than I thought. I mean, lets look at the comparisons. People think your job is easy, they have no idea what you do all day, you’re expected to work for nothing, money is always an issue and mostly, you’re a psychological mess. Jesus, maybe I’ve a lot more experience here than I thought!!!
The phrase “This too shall pass”, is essential for the upcoming 4am feed ritual, but it's equally important now. I’m using it Kevin McAllister style about today. When again will I have the house completely responsibility free all to myself???
Kevin : ‘I’m living alone! I’m living alone! ‘
As Kevin gleefully sleds down the stairs, I blissfully guilt free slide into my bed.
Kevin : ‘Guys, I’m eating junk and watching rubbish! You’d better come out and stop me!’
As Kevin rebelliously eats all the ice cream and watches an over 18’s movie, I contemplate leaving the house for chocolate, decide I’m too lazy, munch on the last three chocolate digestives and watch Homes Under The Hammer.
Kevin : ‘This is my house, I have to defend it!’
As Kevin prepares for the armageddon of Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern by placing dangerous crap all over the house, I prepare for the invasion of the body snatchers by removing dangerous crap and unpacking boob and baby debris all over the house. I imagine baby is my own personal Joe Pesci - small, sort of cute, terrifying.
Kevin : ‘No offence, aren’t you too old to be afraid?’
Marley : ‘You can be too old for a lot of things, but you’re never too old to be afraid!’
As Kevin builds his courage to fight for his home, I’m building courage to face all the challenges of the next few months. Like Kevin, I have no idea how this is going to play out. I might feel all alone. I might eat nothing but microwave macaroni and cheese and order pizza. I might be/will be faced with someone peeing all over me ('Fuller, he wets the bed'). Or I might go all rambo on this baby’s ass ('You guys give up yet? Or you thirsty for more’ - this one might have more to do with my boobs) and completely nail it. Who knows??? It’ll either go like this….
‘This is it! Don’t get scared now!’ Preparing to meet bandits (baby) and loading the rifle.
Or more like this…
‘Hey, I’m not afraid any more! I said, I’m not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I’m not afraid anymore!’ Old man Marley (baby) approaches Kevin (me) and stares at him - Kevin (me) runs back inside, screaming like a maniac.