Riona O Connor - The Unnatural Woman

Actor. Singer. Mother. Songwriter. Vlogger. Blogger. Eater. Pop over to to view more blogs by Riona.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

12 Weeks To Go

28 Weeks Pregnant

Baby size : Cauliflower

How I Feel : Sciatica may be looming… There’s something in my left arse cheek that feels questionable.  But other than that potential threat, really really good! Hate me, go on.

So this week I’ve made a few discoveries.  I’ve been concentrating on making new work contacts before I have to leave my current job to go on maternity leave.  In my line of work there are zero guarantees (it’s a true miracle I can get maternity leave) and if I don’t continue to add to my CV while I’m ‘off’ (I promise I’m using that word very lightly) I fear any new employers will see me as being stagnant and undesirable.  Brilliant right?!  This means a lot of time spent at my kitchen table drinking sugary tea and sending emails.  I’ve also been continuing with driving lessons - it's three weeks until my test BTW.  Both of these things mean sitting for long periods, in a slightly forward position, and this has led to horrible discovery number one : The Brotch.

The Brotch (definition) : part of the body trapped between the bump and the crotch.

Charming I know.  The weather is getting warmer and The Brotch is unforgiving.  There I am, stuck to a patch of my own sweat, trapped in the driving seat, pretending to think about the biting point while my instructor gets impatient with the drivers getting impatient with me while I get impatient with The Brotch. I have had to change my mortified knickers on numerous undignified occasions - thankfully not mid lesson, that would be a Bridget Jones film, but I'm not ruling it out!  New pregnancy lesson - sitting + sun = bring spare knickers.   

On another note, we attended our first antenatal class this week.  To begin, we sat in a circle and one by one introduced ourselves and named one thing we would like to learn in class.  Hubby was itching to say something 'funny', I could smell it off him! I thought, this could go either way, so when he got a laugh* the relief was palpable - in both of us!  Admittedly our need to be liked isn't our most attractive quality....

My aim is this : I want to know how to keep baby alive. The basics right?  How do I not kill my child in the first fortnight. My way of coping when baby is born will undoubtedly be to batten down the hatches, order pizza and get my shit together - both figuratively and literally if the rumours about all these pads I'll need are true.  So, I need to know : how do I change a nappy, how do I not drop him, how do I feed him, how do I prevent my boobs turning into bloody oozing lumps of pain, how do I put him to sleep, how do I not kill my husband when I’m riddled with fear and uncertainty???  All these things I want to and will discover!  

The people in class all seem lovely - as most people do upon first meeting.  No one is going to show up shouting ‘Hey, I’m the arsehole you’re going to hate’! But I’m sure he or she is in there somewhere.  We had the usual 'we're mingling with strangers' fear. You might think we’d be relieved befriending a group of people where we all had something in common.  My fear was and is that pregnancy is ALL we’ll have in common!  What if my small talk runs out after the first meeting?  Oh lord how I love and loathe small talk,  it is my saviour and my downfall.  I didn’t even have my usual social crutch : wine.  Hubby and I desperately stared at each other with panicked eyes when we felt we weren’t mingling as fantastically as other parents-to-be.  We were both so relieved when we ended up having chats about hospital access and the price of London living.  Who knew these things were SO fascinating!!! Later on though, one mom-to-be mentioned wine as a potential labour comfort, next week I’m going to try to sit next to her.  We could be friends.  Definitely.  

At the very end of class came the second BRILLIANTLY LOVELY discovery - my husband gets to massage my PERINEUM.

Perineum (definition) : the area between the anus and the vulva or scrotum.

Haha!  Yes!  Lucky him.  You see there’s a chance (or a certainty - I haven’t figured that out yet) that my perineum will either split open itself, or be sliced neatly open with a knife to allow baby more room upon his exit.  Isn’t it just wonderful?! I can’t wait!  We’ve already discussed the positions this procedure could occur in.  I can just imagine watching Game Of Thrones on all fours while hubby goes at it with our oil of choice.  Do we try to be sexy? I’m not feeling very turned on here at the table with my tea thinking of the perineum rub.  Would he wear a glove? It’s not like he’s unfamiliar with the area, but it all seems so clinical and practical! You wouldn’t exactly get the candles and a bottle of wine out for the perineum rubbing now would you? I’ll keep you updated, or maybe I won’t…

*Hubbys aim was to figure out what buggy to buy - a true new parenting minefield!  More on that later though.